Always absent

I have a bad tendency to neglect my blog. It isn't a lack of things to say, so much as a lack of time.

Lucy is still a complete joy. She has been teething for a few weeks and I can finally feel the little teeth just under the surface. Of course this also means she is a super drool monster but I love her. She smiles so much now and laughes and it just melts me. Life with her is simply incredible. She's going to the doctor tomorrow for her four month check-up. I'm interested to see how much she weighes now. She is getting so long and she has such cute, chubby cheeks. :D

I never thought I would be the mom that talks about her kid constantly and loves to show off pictures but that's me now. Lucy is just so important to me and she takes so much of my time and energy. And in my opinion, none of these are a bad thing. I am just stating the obvious.

I returned to work at the beginning of October. Let me preface this topic with the fact that I love all the women I work with. Let me also say that my job as a whole is quite enjoyable. But the fact of the matter is, I would rather be a stay-at-home mommy. It just isn't possible for us right now though. Gary will be graduating soon and we'll see what happens with his job situation once that takes place. I was hopeful that he could get on with UTC but the job closed earlier than expected and may or may not be part of an on-going hiring freeze. Regardless, the market is the same everywhere... bad. The new plan for our family is for me to work full-time at least until the next child, which we hope means about two years.

I'll try to write something more interesting soon but I make no promises.

Much love and many blessings,
Cassie

Deals

In the event that anyone reads this blog, I thought I would pass along a good deal that I've found out about this week. K-mart will be doubling all coupons up to $2 for this week only. That means that tons of items will be free or close to it if you take your coupons there. Enjoy everyone!

<>< Cass

Here comes another Rant... you were warned

Today, and for literally so many days I cannot count them any longer, I've been rather depressed. I was certain at first that this was postpartum depression but I don't think that's the case. My depression does not stem from anything regarding my daughter actually. She is wonderful and I am very much in love with her. I'm not sad that she's growing up too fast or that I am not going to be able to stay home with her after next week. My sadness and lack of confidence in myself stems from my relationships with people in general. I have finally realized what really happened, that caused my departure from close friendships, etc. I feel completely let down time and time again by people that I thought were my friends. I feel like I always give more of myself and always have, than anyone returns. I know I sound selfish but seriously, this really bothers me. My emotions and my heart are really beat up right now. I feel very much alone and very unattached from people now. I believe that I finally cut my ties and walked away about two years ago because I was sick of being hurt. I'm sick of how rude and inconsiderate nearly all the people I once considered to be my friends, turned out to be. I feel entitled to true friendships. I have always been a loyal friend, a good listener, a problem solver, a shoulder for others at whatever time of day or night... and yet I am not given the same considerations. The few friends that I do still have are mostly spread throughout the country. My husband and Christopher are really the only ones I still have to turn to and no offense to them, but they are guys. They aren't available for a girl's night or a good cry. They would both freak out if I started crying on their shoulders. I just don't feel that it is too much for me to ask to have a loving girlfriend to share my day-to-day battles and triumphs with. I'm hurt and I'm lonely and I'm sick of it. I don't need anymore on the surface friends. I have plenty of those and they all find their nearest and dearest friends in someone else.

Enough of this nonsense for now. I'll stop with the ranting and try to be more positive with my next entry. I simply have no one to talk this over with and felt that I needed to get it out or I would never be able to let it go and move on...

Much love and many blessings,
Cassie

5 am

It is 5am and I am still awake. The crazy part is that my newborn hasn't been keeping me up, I just can't sleep. Lucy sleeps at least 5 hours at a time during the night, usually 6-8 hours. I can't believe that my mind won't stop buzzing and let me sleep. In all honesty, I don't feel tired. It isn't all just my brain jumping from one thought to another and back again that keeps me awake. There's something wrong with my internal clock. Basically, if I don't go to sleep the instant I feel tired (which often happens around 7-8pm), I get a "second wind" and I'm up very late. I'm writing because I'm not sure what else I am supposed to do at this time of day. I can't clean or organize. Those tasks are far too noisy for my husband and daughter to sleep through. I've just finished another book and haven't decided which new one I'd like to start. Enough complaining.

My mind drifts over and over again to things that sadden me. In less than two weeks, I have to return to the workforce and leave my baby girl to be cared for by others. This breaks me heart. I have dumb and irrational fears about this. I can't help myself. When it comes to things that are really important to me, I often tend to overreact. As a means for keeping my scattered brain organized I bought a calendar today that I feel will allow me to be super mom. I know that's a lot of faith to put into such a simple object but I need to reassure myself that organization has always been a strong point for me and this makes me feel better.

I also keep thinking about what our little family is going to do about church. I'm still in daily communication with God and I like that I talk to Him as though I would talk to a friend. But I still haven't really received any word or any signs that tells me where He wants us. Gary and I can both clearly see that we are much better suited for the non-denominational churches, such as Vineyard, but we aren't clear if that is where we are needed. I miss worship and I miss small groups. I want relationships with people but I'm also pretty scared of trying anything new. I am constantly fighting with myself these days about being the open, friendly person I once was or the safe homebody I've become. Relationships just seem so hard to strike-up and maintain.

Thursday, Lucy will be two months old. This time has flown by but in many other ways, she seems older. I can see that she will be a very smart and fun little girl. She already is! She "talks" frequently and her little baby grins and laughs are incredible. She is also very strong. She has been holding her own head up for a few weeks and she has very strong legs already as well. It amazes me how much personality a baby can already have. I can't wait to watch her grow... physically, mentally, and eventually, spiritually. I have a feeling that she will be teaching me a thing or two. She has already inspired me to see the beauty God puts into our lives. I am so proud of her and so proud to be her mommy. I have been told by many people and for many years that I am a caregiver. I guess I saw that about myself but it became all I wanted to be the day she was born. I just love her so much... words could never do it justice. :)

<>< Cassie

So much to write, so little time

Lately, I have the beginnings of two-three blogs in my head and don't quite have the time to write any of them. Maybe it is for the best, they seem to be on topics that are a bit depressing. I am taking the time to write about one though... making the time actually. I should be getting a shower and getting as much accomplished as I can before baby girl wakes up hungry.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I wrote about this before or not. My awesome memory has been rather pathetic since I got pregnant. But here goes: I'm lonely. That's a bit of a broad statement. It doesn't have all the horrible connotations the word "alone" holds. And I'd also like to clarify that the only reasons I don't feel completely alone are God and my husband.

My loneliness is greatly attributed to my own fault. At some point I made a swift change from "life of the party" to "stay-home Mary." And I have a few ideas why I made this transition but I don't understand why I made it such a drastic one. I led a life that very much lacked fulfillment but seemed grand from an outsider's eye. But then I decided I was worn out, that living that life took too much time and too many resources, so I became suddenly closed-off. I've almost become shy. I can't make myself approach new people anymore. I communicate via texts, e-mails, and facebook. I struggle with committing to an event because I don't really know how willing I am anymore to put myself out there. The major reason for all of this is the hurt that accompanied my previous life. I was so often let down and hurt by people that I began to shut down and hurt others. I'm not blaming anyone or any specific moment, I'm just explaining that I gave up.

The past two years or so, I've been fairly selfish and I've invested all my time and energy into my relationship with my husband. Honestly, I don't regret that this has provided he and I with an incredible relationship. I am very happy with him and I am amazed constantly how much easier married life is for us than I ever expected. It makes me believe that a great deal of the relationships I saw before were too hard and that the people were all wrong for each other. But that is another blog entirely. To get back on track, I am so happy and so in love with my Gary. He is so wonderful to me and I never doubt our love. BUT and it's a big but, one relationship just isn't enough. I mean this in the sense that I need girlfriends too. I need to spend time with people other than my family. I used to consider my friends my family. I never thought that I would be without practically all of them. I still have a few very special people in my life but they aren't really here. Amanda is about to make an exodus to the west coast. Amy is in Washington D.C. Holly is in Michigan. My girlfriends at work are my closest buddies now but it isn't the same. I love them and would do anything for them but they aren't invested in my life the way that the above mentioned are/were.

So I feel challenged to meet more people... to make the effort to find some middle ground between what I once was and what I've become. I'm not sure how I'll make it happen, how I can overcome this almost fear to befriend that I've encountered. But, I will do it because I'm tired of feeling lonely and having no one else to relate to. Men are just wired different than women and I'm sure my husband understands. He has Topher and Dallas to spend time with. Wish me luck or pray for me, whichever you feel more comfortable with.

<>< Cass

♥

Sorry to neglect my blog... Before Lucy was here, I was always too tired to write or honestly, thought there was nothing all that interesting to say. Now that Lucy is here, I've just been busy trying to get a routine and manage our new home sweet home.

Lucy Scarlett was born July 24th at 7:58am. She weighed 7lbs. 10 oz. and was 19 1/4" long. She has had a head full of hair from day one and she is absolutely marvelous.

Lucy is so beautiful, so bright-eyed, and as close to perfect as I could have hoped for. I am so proud of her... so impressed with every little task she masters and every little smile. I just can't believe how much of a personality she already has. Last night, she slept six hours straight and I had to wake her to feed her. That's an amazing event for a four week old. And though it may have been a fluke because it seems to early, she turned over from her stomach to her back just three days ago.

All of this doesn't matter unless I tell you how very, very much I love her. I can just sit and watch her sleep or hold her for hours just to snuggle. Everything about her makes me feel so warm and fuzzy. It's simply incredible how much I can love her already... but she loves me too. I have no doubt about her love. She has responded to my voice from day one. She smiles and buries her little head into my chest. She goes quiet, even if for a moment, when I first pick her up. The love she and I have for each other is immense. I'm such a proud mommy.... I've always known I wanted to do this, that I was made to be a mother. Lucy is my little sign from God that this is exactly what He wants from me.

Thank God that He has given me a happy, healthy, amazing baby and that He continues to pour blessings into my life. My cup runneth over...

<>< Cass

:(

I got a call today from my OB... they told me that I am one of the small percentage of women that has gestational diabetes. I'm more than a little worried. My little girl is at significant risk now and there isn't much I can do about it. She'll be here in 9 weeks and 3 days and I just keep praying that there won't be anything too severe or challenging for her. I have had such an easy pregnancy that I never saw this coming and I just keep thinking about what this will do to her. I don't want her to be a diabetic... that's such a miserable situation. I'm not afraid of needles or worried about myself, I'm worried about Lucy. I know God is in control and I wish I could be more comforted by that fact but I think I'm still in shock and honestly a little horrified that there's nothing I could have done anyway. Keep us in your prayers. I just want her to be born with no complications and to lead a normal, healthy life.

Moving Week

This is moving week. We finally get to move into our new, beautiful house. I am so excited and yet a lot overwhelmed, as well. We have a lot of packing I need to complete. The best part is that I get to decide where everything goes! Being pregnant has it's benefits.... all I can do is fill boxes and unload them in the new house. :D

Amen

Thank you to my husband and to any others that have been praying for me. I didn't even really have to talk to anyone at work, they just adjusted and in turn I've had a good work week. In addition to that, the student that was observing with our office for a few weeks has now been hired on full-time. I am very excited about this because I really like Jess and I think that they made an excellent decision. There are just too many things going on for the next year or so with so many of us at work and I think it will make everyone's life much easier to have another member on board. My body is still worn out at bit but I think it's probably just all part of being pregnant. I think that I will be tired from now on.... until all of my children are moved out and moved on anyway. :D I'm so excited to meet my daughter. I hate to wish time away but I really do wish it was July already! I hope everyone enjoys the beautiful weekend that we have coming up. Next time I write will probably be from my new home.

Much love and many blessings,
Cass

Things are really coming together with our house. The alarm is almost completely installed and otherwise things are pretty well finished. I want to re-paint the base boards throughout the bedrooms and re-paint two doors that look a little rough but there is nothing that NEEDS to be done. We are moving stuff on April 29th and 30th and then the movers are coming to get the furniture on May 1st. Thank goodness things are almost complete. I can't believe that we finally have a house! I also can't wait to have all our friends over to see everything! :D

Baby Lucy seems to be doing well (FYI we are naming our daughter Lucy). She is a very active kicker and it makes me really excited everytime I feel her moving around. I can't believe that she'll be here in 13 weeks and 5 days. Time in general flies by these days. Hours, days, weeks... they are just blowing by. I'm sure once she's born it will be even worse.

Things have gotten difficult with work. My doctor gave me orders not to stand for more than 30 minutes at a time but the women I work with aren't quite as considerate as I thought they would be. Let me explain that it isn't all of them. The doctors are fine with whatever I do, it's just a couple of the ladies that are trying to make me feel guilty and because I'm emotional and pregnant right now I'm struggling with how to deal with it all. I don't know when I became such a chicken that I couldn't talk to people and stand up for myself... that has just never been me. I'm not going to the doctors about it, I'll just have to figure out who to talk to and how to best approach this conversation. Everyone pray for me about this. I wish that I could just work in the office for now (under I deliver anyway) because I know how to do everything there and working in surgery is really putting a strain on my body. I had a hard day Thursday and I'm still trying to recover! There's no reason that I should hurt like this when there are others at work that can work in surgery just as easily as I can.

I guess I'm off to take a shower and then get some rest. I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a hard day for me.

<>< Cassie

Sorry for the absence

Hello all! There should have been many updates since I last wrote but life is a bit busy these days.

In baby news, we are having a baby girl!!! She's due July 24th and we are super excited. I am getting a pretty big belly these days... it's getting scary. Things aren't too uncomfortable yet... I am having a lot of pelvic pressure and low back pain but we only have 14.5 more weeks to go, so I think I can make it. I go to the doctor again tomorrow and I'm hoping for a good report.

In other news, we have our own house now. We closed a few weeks ago and have started the painting/ decorating process for now. The official move is May 1st. We originally thought we'd live in Hixson or Red Bank but found a home that we both LOVED in East Brainerd, so we bought it. It was built in 2002, so there aren't any necessary repairs. We just wanted to paint the nursery and put in a network and alarm system.

Needless to say, life is busy and expensive right now. :) Also, my hormones are raging. I cry and laugh harder than ever before. And I go from super excited to majorly bummed with ease. In all honesty, being pregnant has been a real breeze for me though. I know I mentioned discomfort, but I actually feel so honored to be a soon-to-be mommy. It's a real privilege. Everyone should probably pray for my husband though. He seems to be a nervous wreck these days. I understand why he's worried but it just surprises me that he is reacting this way. He's always been so laid back and I've been the OCD freak... now the tables are turning a bit.

There are probably more updates but they escape me for the time being. I'm going to take a long hot shower and relax.

Much love and many blessings,
Cassie

search for our new home

After much deliberation and skepticism regarding the likelihood of us buying a home before the baby arrives, we have been given the opportunity to do just that. Let me first say that I'm an emotional pregnant lady to the max. Gary says he's never seen me laugh or cry this much since we met. Anyway, we looked online at a few homes and I absolutely fell in love with an incredible one in the Hixson area that we could actually afford. It has been on the market for one week. Upon speaking with our realtor today and scheduling a time with her to look at this coming Tuesday, I received word from her with an hour that it has already been bid on and is now listed as pending. I knew it was a GREAT deal and that it was probably too good to be true but good grief! I've been bummed since I found out. I know that we have plenty of time really to find a home. (We weren't planning to move until May anyway.) And I know that we will not be homeless or even put into a horrible situation. BUT, I can't express the actual loss I feel about this home. Call me silly, but I envisioned our cute little family there in mere months and I'm nearly inconsolable at this point. This big baby will be fine in a couple of days, but for now, I'm mopey.

In other news, baby and I are quite well. My family tells me on a nearly daily basis that the child will have a lot of hair because the indigestion is my only real negative feeling. I assume it's an old wives tale. We are going to the doctor again this week and I am excited to hear the heartbeat for the first time. The visit after this will tell us the sex, though we both have a hunch already. I can't wait until Friday!

Much love and many blessings,
Cassie