Tuesday, September 29, 2009


In the event that anyone reads this blog, I thought I would pass along a good deal that I've found out about this week. K-mart will be doubling all coupons up to $2 for this week only. That means that tons of items will be free or close to it if you take your coupons there. Enjoy everyone!

<>< Cass

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Here comes another Rant... you were warned

Today, and for literally so many days I cannot count them any longer, I've been rather depressed. I was certain at first that this was postpartum depression but I don't think that's the case. My depression does not stem from anything regarding my daughter actually. She is wonderful and I am very much in love with her. I'm not sad that she's growing up too fast or that I am not going to be able to stay home with her after next week. My sadness and lack of confidence in myself stems from my relationships with people in general. I have finally realized what really happened, that caused my departure from close friendships, etc. I feel completely let down time and time again by people that I thought were my friends. I feel like I always give more of myself and always have, than anyone returns. I know I sound selfish but seriously, this really bothers me. My emotions and my heart are really beat up right now. I feel very much alone and very unattached from people now. I believe that I finally cut my ties and walked away about two years ago because I was sick of being hurt. I'm sick of how rude and inconsiderate nearly all the people I once considered to be my friends, turned out to be. I feel entitled to true friendships. I have always been a loyal friend, a good listener, a problem solver, a shoulder for others at whatever time of day or night... and yet I am not given the same considerations. The few friends that I do still have are mostly spread throughout the country. My husband and Christopher are really the only ones I still have to turn to and no offense to them, but they are guys. They aren't available for a girl's night or a good cry. They would both freak out if I started crying on their shoulders. I just don't feel that it is too much for me to ask to have a loving girlfriend to share my day-to-day battles and triumphs with. I'm hurt and I'm lonely and I'm sick of it. I don't need anymore on the surface friends. I have plenty of those and they all find their nearest and dearest friends in someone else.

Enough of this nonsense for now. I'll stop with the ranting and try to be more positive with my next entry. I simply have no one to talk this over with and felt that I needed to get it out or I would never be able to let it go and move on...

Much love and many blessings,

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

5 am

It is 5am and I am still awake. The crazy part is that my newborn hasn't been keeping me up, I just can't sleep. Lucy sleeps at least 5 hours at a time during the night, usually 6-8 hours. I can't believe that my mind won't stop buzzing and let me sleep. In all honesty, I don't feel tired. It isn't all just my brain jumping from one thought to another and back again that keeps me awake. There's something wrong with my internal clock. Basically, if I don't go to sleep the instant I feel tired (which often happens around 7-8pm), I get a "second wind" and I'm up very late. I'm writing because I'm not sure what else I am supposed to do at this time of day. I can't clean or organize. Those tasks are far too noisy for my husband and daughter to sleep through. I've just finished another book and haven't decided which new one I'd like to start. Enough complaining.

My mind drifts over and over again to things that sadden me. In less than two weeks, I have to return to the workforce and leave my baby girl to be cared for by others. This breaks me heart. I have dumb and irrational fears about this. I can't help myself. When it comes to things that are really important to me, I often tend to overreact. As a means for keeping my scattered brain organized I bought a calendar today that I feel will allow me to be super mom. I know that's a lot of faith to put into such a simple object but I need to reassure myself that organization has always been a strong point for me and this makes me feel better.

I also keep thinking about what our little family is going to do about church. I'm still in daily communication with God and I like that I talk to Him as though I would talk to a friend. But I still haven't really received any word or any signs that tells me where He wants us. Gary and I can both clearly see that we are much better suited for the non-denominational churches, such as Vineyard, but we aren't clear if that is where we are needed. I miss worship and I miss small groups. I want relationships with people but I'm also pretty scared of trying anything new. I am constantly fighting with myself these days about being the open, friendly person I once was or the safe homebody I've become. Relationships just seem so hard to strike-up and maintain.

Thursday, Lucy will be two months old. This time has flown by but in many other ways, she seems older. I can see that she will be a very smart and fun little girl. She already is! She "talks" frequently and her little baby grins and laughs are incredible. She is also very strong. She has been holding her own head up for a few weeks and she has very strong legs already as well. It amazes me how much personality a baby can already have. I can't wait to watch her grow... physically, mentally, and eventually, spiritually. I have a feeling that she will be teaching me a thing or two. She has already inspired me to see the beauty God puts into our lives. I am so proud of her and so proud to be her mommy. I have been told by many people and for many years that I am a caregiver. I guess I saw that about myself but it became all I wanted to be the day she was born. I just love her so much... words could never do it justice. :)

<>< Cassie

Monday, September 14, 2009

Thursday, September 10, 2009

So much to write, so little time

Lately, I have the beginnings of two-three blogs in my head and don't quite have the time to write any of them. Maybe it is for the best, they seem to be on topics that are a bit depressing. I am taking the time to write about one though... making the time actually. I should be getting a shower and getting as much accomplished as I can before baby girl wakes up hungry.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I wrote about this before or not. My awesome memory has been rather pathetic since I got pregnant. But here goes: I'm lonely. That's a bit of a broad statement. It doesn't have all the horrible connotations the word "alone" holds. And I'd also like to clarify that the only reasons I don't feel completely alone are God and my husband.

My loneliness is greatly attributed to my own fault. At some point I made a swift change from "life of the party" to "stay-home Mary." And I have a few ideas why I made this transition but I don't understand why I made it such a drastic one. I led a life that very much lacked fulfillment but seemed grand from an outsider's eye. But then I decided I was worn out, that living that life took too much time and too many resources, so I became suddenly closed-off. I've almost become shy. I can't make myself approach new people anymore. I communicate via texts, e-mails, and facebook. I struggle with committing to an event because I don't really know how willing I am anymore to put myself out there. The major reason for all of this is the hurt that accompanied my previous life. I was so often let down and hurt by people that I began to shut down and hurt others. I'm not blaming anyone or any specific moment, I'm just explaining that I gave up.

The past two years or so, I've been fairly selfish and I've invested all my time and energy into my relationship with my husband. Honestly, I don't regret that this has provided he and I with an incredible relationship. I am very happy with him and I am amazed constantly how much easier married life is for us than I ever expected. It makes me believe that a great deal of the relationships I saw before were too hard and that the people were all wrong for each other. But that is another blog entirely. To get back on track, I am so happy and so in love with my Gary. He is so wonderful to me and I never doubt our love. BUT and it's a big but, one relationship just isn't enough. I mean this in the sense that I need girlfriends too. I need to spend time with people other than my family. I used to consider my friends my family. I never thought that I would be without practically all of them. I still have a few very special people in my life but they aren't really here. Amanda is about to make an exodus to the west coast. Amy is in Washington D.C. Holly is in Michigan. My girlfriends at work are my closest buddies now but it isn't the same. I love them and would do anything for them but they aren't invested in my life the way that the above mentioned are/were.

So I feel challenged to meet more people... to make the effort to find some middle ground between what I once was and what I've become. I'm not sure how I'll make it happen, how I can overcome this almost fear to befriend that I've encountered. But, I will do it because I'm tired of feeling lonely and having no one else to relate to. Men are just wired different than women and I'm sure my husband understands. He has Topher and Dallas to spend time with. Wish me luck or pray for me, whichever you feel more comfortable with.

<>< Cass

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