Lately, I have the beginnings of two-three blogs in my head and don't quite have the time to write any of them. Maybe it is for the best, they seem to be on topics that are a bit depressing. I am taking the time to write about one though... making the time actually. I should be getting a shower and getting as much accomplished as I can before baby girl wakes up hungry.
Honestly, I'm not sure if I wrote about this before or not. My awesome memory has been rather pathetic since I got pregnant. But here goes: I'm lonely. That's a bit of a broad statement. It doesn't have all the horrible connotations the word "alone" holds. And I'd also like to clarify that the only reasons I don't feel completely alone are God and my husband.
My loneliness is greatly attributed to my own fault. At some point I made a swift change from "life of the party" to "stay-home Mary." And I have a few ideas why I made this transition but I don't understand why I made it such a drastic one. I led a life that very much lacked fulfillment but seemed grand from an outsider's eye. But then I decided I was worn out, that living that life took too much time and too many resources, so I became suddenly closed-off. I've almost become shy. I can't make myself approach new people anymore. I communicate via texts, e-mails, and facebook. I struggle with committing to an event because I don't really know how willing I am anymore to put myself out there. The major reason for all of this is the hurt that accompanied my previous life. I was so often let down and hurt by people that I began to shut down and hurt others. I'm not blaming anyone or any specific moment, I'm just explaining that I gave up.
The past two years or so, I've been fairly selfish and I've invested all my time and energy into my relationship with my husband. Honestly, I don't regret that this has provided he and I with an incredible relationship. I am very happy with him and I am amazed constantly how much easier married life is for us than I ever expected. It makes me believe that a great deal of the relationships I saw before were too hard and that the people were all wrong for each other. But that is another blog entirely. To get back on track, I am so happy and so in love with my Gary. He is so wonderful to me and I never doubt our love. BUT and it's a big but, one relationship just isn't enough. I mean this in the sense that I need girlfriends too. I need to spend time with people other than my family. I used to consider my friends my family. I never thought that I would be without practically all of them. I still have a few very special people in my life but they aren't really here. Amanda is about to make an exodus to the west coast. Amy is in Washington D.C. Holly is in Michigan. My girlfriends at work are my closest buddies now but it isn't the same. I love them and would do anything for them but they aren't invested in my life the way that the above mentioned are/were.
So I feel challenged to meet more people... to make the effort to find some middle ground between what I once was and what I've become. I'm not sure how I'll make it happen, how I can overcome this almost fear to befriend that I've encountered. But, I will do it because I'm tired of feeling lonely and having no one else to relate to. Men are just wired different than women and I'm sure my husband understands. He has Topher and Dallas to spend time with. Wish me luck or pray for me, whichever you feel more comfortable with.