Today, and for literally so many days I cannot count them any longer, I've been rather depressed. I was certain at first that this was postpartum depression but I don't think that's the case. My depression does not stem from anything regarding my daughter actually. She is wonderful and I am very much in love with her. I'm not sad that she's growing up too fast or that I am not going to be able to stay home with her after next week. My sadness and lack of confidence in myself stems from my relationships with people in general. I have finally realized what really happened, that caused my departure from close friendships, etc. I feel completely let down time and time again by people that I thought were my friends. I feel like I always give more of myself and always have, than anyone returns. I know I sound selfish but seriously, this really bothers me. My emotions and my heart are really beat up right now. I feel very much alone and very unattached from people now. I believe that I finally cut my ties and walked away about two years ago because I was sick of being hurt. I'm sick of how rude and inconsiderate nearly all the people I once considered to be my friends, turned out to be. I feel entitled to true friendships. I have always been a loyal friend, a good listener, a problem solver, a shoulder for others at whatever time of day or night... and yet I am not given the same considerations. The few friends that I do still have are mostly spread throughout the country. My husband and Christopher are really the only ones I still have to turn to and no offense to them, but they are guys. They aren't available for a girl's night or a good cry. They would both freak out if I started crying on their shoulders. I just don't feel that it is too much for me to ask to have a loving girlfriend to share my day-to-day battles and triumphs with. I'm hurt and I'm lonely and I'm sick of it. I don't need anymore on the surface friends. I have plenty of those and they all find their nearest and dearest friends in someone else.
Enough of this nonsense for now. I'll stop with the ranting and try to be more positive with my next entry. I simply have no one to talk this over with and felt that I needed to get it out or I would never be able to let it go and move on...
Much love and many blessings,