Wednesday, September 23, 2009

5 am

It is 5am and I am still awake. The crazy part is that my newborn hasn't been keeping me up, I just can't sleep. Lucy sleeps at least 5 hours at a time during the night, usually 6-8 hours. I can't believe that my mind won't stop buzzing and let me sleep. In all honesty, I don't feel tired. It isn't all just my brain jumping from one thought to another and back again that keeps me awake. There's something wrong with my internal clock. Basically, if I don't go to sleep the instant I feel tired (which often happens around 7-8pm), I get a "second wind" and I'm up very late. I'm writing because I'm not sure what else I am supposed to do at this time of day. I can't clean or organize. Those tasks are far too noisy for my husband and daughter to sleep through. I've just finished another book and haven't decided which new one I'd like to start. Enough complaining.

My mind drifts over and over again to things that sadden me. In less than two weeks, I have to return to the workforce and leave my baby girl to be cared for by others. This breaks me heart. I have dumb and irrational fears about this. I can't help myself. When it comes to things that are really important to me, I often tend to overreact. As a means for keeping my scattered brain organized I bought a calendar today that I feel will allow me to be super mom. I know that's a lot of faith to put into such a simple object but I need to reassure myself that organization has always been a strong point for me and this makes me feel better.

I also keep thinking about what our little family is going to do about church. I'm still in daily communication with God and I like that I talk to Him as though I would talk to a friend. But I still haven't really received any word or any signs that tells me where He wants us. Gary and I can both clearly see that we are much better suited for the non-denominational churches, such as Vineyard, but we aren't clear if that is where we are needed. I miss worship and I miss small groups. I want relationships with people but I'm also pretty scared of trying anything new. I am constantly fighting with myself these days about being the open, friendly person I once was or the safe homebody I've become. Relationships just seem so hard to strike-up and maintain.

Thursday, Lucy will be two months old. This time has flown by but in many other ways, she seems older. I can see that she will be a very smart and fun little girl. She already is! She "talks" frequently and her little baby grins and laughs are incredible. She is also very strong. She has been holding her own head up for a few weeks and she has very strong legs already as well. It amazes me how much personality a baby can already have. I can't wait to watch her grow... physically, mentally, and eventually, spiritually. I have a feeling that she will be teaching me a thing or two. She has already inspired me to see the beauty God puts into our lives. I am so proud of her and so proud to be her mommy. I have been told by many people and for many years that I am a caregiver. I guess I saw that about myself but it became all I wanted to be the day she was born. I just love her so much... words could never do it justice. :)

<>< Cassie

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