i often wonder

I often wonder if I had all the little things that I want, just the way I want them, would I just find that I want a few more things? Or would I be content, at least for a while? I think my personality is difficult for my husband to understand. I don't actually expect perfection, but I do expect that we keep trying until we can achieve goals, whether these goals are small, insignificant ones or huge, moving mountains, nearly impossible ones. As a prime example of this, I love our house, but because I want to change this or paint that or add this, Gary thinks I'm completely unsatisfied and complaining. Thankfully he doesn't see it as nagging, he just thinks that I'm already tired of our home. I don't think I'm being unreasonable for wanting a patio in the back to enjoy and invite people over for a BBQ. I don't think I'm being unreasonable because I want a new front door with AT LEAST a peephole, preferably a little glass. And I don't think I'm being unreasonable because I want to paint two rooms in our house. You don't just buy a house and plan to do nothing to it until you sell it. Of course none of my requests are have-tos. We COULD change nothing and continue on with our lives here until we've outgrown the place, but why? I think this is less of a men vs. women debate, and completely our personality types. I guess he's of the school of thought that "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." I, however, like to see things evolve, hope to improve our home so much that we won't want to move. I'm sure I'll be updating eventually on who wins this war... but I'll give you one guess who I'm betting on. :)

family stuff can be difficult

I've been mulling over our recent family occurrence for a few days, and decided to write about it because getting it out and "on paper" always seems to make me feel better. I don't think I've mentioned very much about my sister-in-law on this blog, but that's probably because just thinking about her for the past two years creates a knot in my stomach. She's much younger than my husband and I (11 years) and going through those wonderfully awful teenage years. But as I remember my own teen years, I was at least sneaky when I was awful and I would have never been so blatantly bad in so many ways. I'm not expecting an award for making it through those years with my parents truly being oblivious, and to be honest, I never thought about being as rebellious as she is. It doesn't matter what I think of her, or how she's parented, because talking about those things would bring out the mean in me. The long and the short of it is that I don't want to be around her anymore and most importantly, I don't want my child around her. Maybe I am an over-protective parent, but that's my right. I don't care that my daughter isn't quite two, she's smart, and she's absorbing everything around her. And I refuse to put her around someone that dresses how she pleases, does what she pleases, is completely disrespectful, and gets into just about every kind of trouble I can think of. I'm not doing it anymore. And I know I hurt my mother-in-law, but I put my foot down anyway. I had to do what was best for my family. The good news: my sister-in-law is at boarding school through the week, so Lucy can still visit my in-laws and her uncles during that time. I don't think I could have taken her away from everyone unless the situation was much, much worse. I still love them and I hope they understand. My husband agrees with me, but he's also pretty worried about how his mom is taking it. I guess time will tell. The bad news: this year for Easter, we will be all alone. I suspect we'll attend the church we've been visiting for a few weeks and I'll bake a ham, but it just won't be the same. Of course, it wouldn't have been anyway, because Nana is gone, and her house was the destination for all holidays and family gatherings before. I miss her.

Week 12

Pregnancy: 12 weeks, 3 days

Weight Gain: -4 lbs - my doctor said "Are you sure you haven't been sick? And you're still losing weight?!"

Sleep: Still sneaking naps a few times a week, when Lucy naps of course. And otherwise, I've completed cut out my coffee, so I'm trying very hard to get 8 hours a night. It doesn't always happen, but I'm trying.

Gender: I wasn't going to make any predictions, but I've decided to anyway. I mean I have a 50% chance of being right! Since this pregnancy is exactly the same as my last and the heartrate is so fast, I'm going with girl. I guess we'll see in May.

Names: I don't really want to think about it until I know the gender, but I do have a few names in mind that we've agreed on.

Feeling: less exhausted, more excited - and I'm ready for the semester to be over with school so I can focus on entertaining my toddler for the summer :)

Health: My skin has improved, no more acne, but it is a lot drier than normal. My diet has gotten much better overall and I've been trying to do a lot more walking. I'm ready for summer and swimming! :D

Movement: I still believe I've felt a flutter here and there. And today on the ultrasound, baby was wiggling ever so slightly.

Belly Button: normal

Cravings: Cheerios oddly enough, but otherwise, the power of suggestion is still pretty intense.

Next Appointment: May 19th

improving my mood

I think that just getting this week over with, regardless of the outcomes, my mood will be greatly improved. I'm not sorry I went back to school, I'm actually glad I decided to just do it. But, I think being pregnant and chasing a toddler takes so much out of me that schoolwork (which used to be fun) has become a huge pain. I thought I might take a few classes this summer, but there's no way with all the other things we have going on. Plus, I really want to devote time and energy into the mommy group. I'm hoping to have a great summer with all the ladies in the group. We get along so well and our children play wonderfully together. It has been such a blessing to have this group of people in my life. Speaking of the group, I received two e-mails yesterday for women that wanted info about joining. I guess the fact the the weather is warming up makes everyone want to find a friend and get outside. I'm excited to meet more new people. I feel like God is placing these other mothers in my life to create the friendships that I've been missing for quite a while. This of course is improving my mood as well. :D

what I should be doing

I love making to-do lists and crossing things off. I don't know anyone that doesn't get satisfaction from that task. Unfortunately, I have a much stronger desire to post on here than to write a paper for Religion or study for either of my two tests this week. I'm pretty sure I've posted before about how there are not enough hours in the day and how I lack the energy to do everything I want to after chasing Lucy around all day. So here's to getting more done than not and not being too hard on myself when I'm not perfect. And here's to having a better attitude instead of falling into everyone's nasty moods.