Friday, August 27, 2010

broken

I feel like a broken record. I have started this post quite a few times and even gotten to the end before I hit the delete button and move on. I think I have this semi-emotional breakdown every other month. And to correctly place the blame, I look to myself, because there is no one else to blame for this level of loneliness. I used to be a great friend, one of the best friends a girl could have... but I changed. I got bitter and angry and a large assortment of other negatively connotative words, and I decided in reaction to become selfish. I focused entirely on myself and my own happiness and simply ignored other people. At one time, I was everyone's go-to girl and I was the crowd-pleasing, feel-the-temperature-in-the-room-and-adjust-yourself-to-it girl and I got sick and tired of it. I ignored myself for so long to be bubbly and friendly and loving and exactly what everyone else needed me to be... and I found myself broken because of it. So I guess now I'm at the other end of the spectrum. I don't recall ever actually hurting anyone with my words or my absence. I think that I was just absent for so long, that no one cared to remember me and no one cared to be there for me through what I lovingly refer to as my "broken year." Let me back-track a bit... Gary was there. And he was incredible and he started dating me when all of this was happening and I guess part of why I knew so quickly that he and I were destined to be together was that for the first time, someone got me and someone listened and loved me regardless of how broken and neglected I had become. But I've gotten way, way, way off track. I'm not complaining that I had the gift of loving people. I actually rather liked it. I was born to be a care-giver in every sense of the word. My complaint is that now, I'm all alone except for my husband. Don't get me wrong, I know he's my best friend and that he's supposed to be... but none of you can tell me that a girlfriend isn't an altogether different kind of love that we all need. People move on in their lives and people move away, but I have not had the kind of friend and confidant in anyone else like I see others having. And I feel so hurt and broken and most of all lonely because of it. This feeling is almost paralyzing. Why is it so difficult to make friends now? And why am I so incapable of being close to anyone but Gary? I just want to find the happy medium. And now that I've made this huge, ugly confession, I feel the need to apologize for it. I'm not trying to offend any of my friends. I know I still have friends (though most of you moved away!) and I deeply love all of our memories and talks. But having someone to call just to talk, or having someone to do dinner with, or God-forbid having a meaningful, constant friendship with seems like an unattainable goal. I am broken, but we all are in some way. This is my way... I am lonely.

6 comments:

Holly said...

I think that what you're feeling is a very common occurrence. I've felt much like you do, but my reasons for not having close friends are different from yours. It's not them, it's me. Please don't feel like you need to apologize for sharing your feelings. I don't think you said anything offensive. :) The nice thing about friends is that if we don't have enough, we can make more.

sbarnes9 said...

I totally understand where you're coming from. We are a lot alike, Cassie! And if you ever want a friend to call just to chat or a dinner/movie date, I'm only a phone call away :)

sara said...

I went through the same thing, am still going through the same thing. There's a song lyric "Where have you been all these years
And how could you just disappear
And when did you stop Missing me" it gets me everytime...it just seems so relevant

Cassie said...

Thanks ladies! Sometimes it's difficult to articulate something like this, but I feel that I at least got some things off my chest.

Mama Hauck said...

Oh, Mama. I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. I feel like you just looked into my heart and read what was written upon there. I feel for you, I do. I will be thinking of you and praying someone comes along so you can have that friendship you are dreaming and in need of. You're right....every one needs to have that in their life.

*Hugs*
<3 Becca

Smita Srivastava said...

Enjoyed going thru ur beautifully written blog ..
love the stuff bell pepper recipe too !!

- Smita
littlefoodjunction.blogspot.com
(fun ideas for picky lil eaters )

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