Friday, August 27, 2010
I feel like a broken record. I have started this post quite a few times and even gotten to the end before I hit the delete button and move on. I think I have this semi-emotional breakdown every other month. And to correctly place the blame, I look to myself, because there is no one else to blame for this level of loneliness. I used to be a great friend, one of the best friends a girl could have... but I changed. I got bitter and angry and a large assortment of other negatively connotative words, and I decided in reaction to become selfish. I focused entirely on myself and my own happiness and simply ignored other people. At one time, I was everyone's go-to girl and I was the crowd-pleasing, feel-the-temperature-in-the-room-and-adjust-yourself-to-it girl and I got sick and tired of it. I ignored myself for so long to be bubbly and friendly and loving and exactly what everyone else needed me to be... and I found myself broken because of it. So I guess now I'm at the other end of the spectrum. I don't recall ever actually hurting anyone with my words or my absence. I think that I was just absent for so long, that no one cared to remember me and no one cared to be there for me through what I lovingly refer to as my "broken year." Let me back-track a bit... Gary was there. And he was incredible and he started dating me when all of this was happening and I guess part of why I knew so quickly that he and I were destined to be together was that for the first time, someone got me and someone listened and loved me regardless of how broken and neglected I had become. But I've gotten way, way, way off track. I'm not complaining that I had the gift of loving people. I actually rather liked it. I was born to be a care-giver in every sense of the word. My complaint is that now, I'm all alone except for my husband. Don't get me wrong, I know he's my best friend and that he's supposed to be... but none of you can tell me that a girlfriend isn't an altogether different kind of love that we all need. People move on in their lives and people move away, but I have not had the kind of friend and confidant in anyone else like I see others having. And I feel so hurt and broken and most of all lonely because of it. This feeling is almost paralyzing. Why is it so difficult to make friends now? And why am I so incapable of being close to anyone but Gary? I just want to find the happy medium. And now that I've made this huge, ugly confession, I feel the need to apologize for it. I'm not trying to offend any of my friends. I know I still have friends (though most of you moved away!) and I deeply love all of our memories and talks. But having someone to call just to talk, or having someone to do dinner with, or God-forbid having a meaningful, constant friendship with seems like an unattainable goal. I am broken, but we all are in some way. This is my way... I am lonely.