disbelief

I've started and deleted and restarted this post about twenty times. I sit here with tears in my eyes and in a state of disbelief. All these human emotions of love and sadness and guilt and doubt and a million more keep flooding my mind. You see one of the greatest women I've ever had the privilege to know died this afternoon and though she's been sick for months and was given a life expectancy of 6-12 months, it is just too hard to believe. No amount of time can prepare you. She was only part of my life for the past five years but I'm just in shock that she's actually gone. I feel strange that it's my husband's grandmother and that I'm the one who has been crying all evening. I know men typically react differently than women and I think he just hasn't accepted it yet either. Unfortunately, I feel like I will be imposing on their family at the funeral home when I am sobbing. She wasn't mine to lose and yet at the same time I have lost her. She was gracious and generous and loving, unlike anyone I've ever known. Rarely do I conduct myself so sorrowfully but today I feel broken by her death. I cannot imagine the world we live in without her there. But as one of her daughter's so perfectly worded it: "At least she gave us the gift of never doubting where she is now." I'm not mad at God, I just selfishly wish we had more time with her.

<>< Cass